things unfolded

i closed my eyes today and wondered where my life is going.  i am wondering if i am on the right track.  i am wondering which step to make next because i am so uncertain on what my future holds.  i feel like it was such a short time ago when i was struggling with this limbo stage of "where the heck is my life going", and here i am again, with the rug pulled out from underneath me, trying to figure out which way is left and which way is right, whether to look up or down, and whether to just start over or hope that true love really does conquer all.

i read this the other day, but why is it so so hard for me to believe sometimes?

my pin

i've been trying to say this to myself over and over.  i hope one day it sinks in......soon....

well hello cuteness!

**Ruby**

this little girl is just about the best thing in my life.  the fuzziest, the silliest, and the snuggliest.  my my my isn't she a beauty!  just when life gets me all upset.....this little smash face gives me a stinky breath kiss and all things are better. 

just thought i would share a little cuteness with you on this cloudy rainy sunday.  and i just found two of the awesomest things to make her and her buddy winston and their cousins alfred and buddy from santa!  i love christmas!  more to come on those special surprises very soon!

moving forward

i have decided that i must begin to move forward.  i have been stuck in such an ugly place over the last month.  there are some things that happen in life that are just simply beyond your control.  the only decisions that i actually do have control over are my own.  because i have recently (and finally) just realized that, i am trying to turn over that pretty, fallen, autumn leaf. (i am making it an autumn leaf because i think they're the most beautiful...and hey, it's MY leaf to turn so I"M going to make it what i want it to me **wink**)

I am 30.....and though i am not where i always thought i would be at 30, through working on myself over the last 5 months or so, i have decided to take all of those silly plans i made for myself when i was 18 and throw them out the door straight into lake erie. 

i want to start brand new.  i am just finishing up grad school, and i feel like i can do everything i've wanted to do with my career once i graduate in may.  i am feeling the urge to move to a new place.  a place where i am new, anonymous, and can have a clean slate.  a place that is perfect for me when i close my eyes and day dream. 

though part of me is so saddened to feel like i am closing an extremely important chapter in my life, the other part of me feels anxious and ready to start focusing on myself for the first time in probably 7 years.  i am finally making my wants and needs a priority to myself.  no more putting those things on the back burner until i find the time.  this is my time right now, and the sooner i realize this, the happier i am going to feel in the deepest parts of my soul that have been empty for so so long. 

i am proud of myself.  i have come a long long way and i have been good to myself.  and quite honestly, it feels damn good. 



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An Apache Blessing

May the sun bring you new energy by day
May the moon softly restore you by night,
May the rain wash away your worries,
May the breeze blow new strength into your being,
May you walk gently through the world and know
... its beauty all the days of your life

 

My aunt posted this on my facebook today.  And with all of the struggles I've been going though in the last month....this touched my soul and spirit so deeply.  I think i am going to get a canvas and print this on it and try to decorate it beautifly somehow.  I'm not very artsy, but i will try for the pure fact that this warms my soul. 

 

we <3 it

 

push on

i've been quiet in this space for some time now.  i haven't felt it in my heart to write anything much.  my feelings have felt a little too personal to share with everyone.  i am feeling stronger.  every day, just a little bit stronger.  i am finding time for myself and making some decisions based on me.  i am proud of myself.  at times i feel like i could break into a thousand little pieces, but i take a big deep breath, and swallow back tears sometimes, and i push along.  i truely believe in love.  big, deep, powerful love.  and it comes in many forms from many kinds of people. 

i revisited a blog tonight that i haven't been on in a while and i am so glad i did.  i found this and i wanted to post it here tonight.  i'll go to bed thinking this.  and i'll be ok. 

(courtesy of lydia)